Take Good Care Of My Baby

While I was busy working I developed a cold, and my now husband was having health problems of his own. Being long distance it was hard to pick which one of us would be the one driving. The one weekend I made Mike come, he ended up getting really sick. He went to the doctor with results that would be explained later. I, on the other hand, did not go to the doctor. I didn't have time, I never went to that insurance seminar, and I wasn't sure what my shitty grad school insurance covered out in the new place. So, I wrote it off as a cold. I thought exercise would help. I thought spicy food would help clear the congestion. I did everything except go to the doctor and get some rest. I ended up giving my cold to everyone. They would get better, and I was still sick. The guy I worked with got a cold and heard me coughing and such. He said, "Oh, did I give you my cold"? I explained to him that I had given him my cold. He stared at me funny, and I still did nothing. Finally a researcher approached me and asked me to go to the doctor. It was becoming a public health issue. I became known as "Typhoid Marissa". I went to the doctor, and it turned out I had a sinus infection. I got antibiotics and an inhaler for my resulting asthma problems. It was no big deal, which is why I should have gone to the doctor much earlier. But being sick didn't stop me from getting work done, so they really didn't care in the beginning. It wasn't until it was a concern for themselves that they started to worry.
(Title: Take Good Care Of My Baby, Bobby Vee)

Everybody's Working for The Weekend

When I got to my experiment, there was a huge rush to get the analysis done. I got to my experiment in February, I had to have results by early May for a conference. So I plodded my way through never before used code. There wasn't even real data to work with. But I was putting every thing in place so that the second the data came along, Boom! I would run my code over it and suddenly I would have my last second results. That plan seemed to be working.

While I was in a mad dash to get my analysis done, I had to do a service project for the experiment. I had told my advisor that I wanted to do something hands on, and he found me something really cool. The problem was that, while I enjoyed doing this thing, it was like having a second job. When I wasn't working on my analysis I was working on the service project. Analysis by day and evening, service project by morning and night. As staff on my experiment I was eligible for better insurance. I just had to go to a seminar. And when was the seminar? During the time that I absolutely, positively had to be working on my service task. At the time I thought missing the seminar wasn't bad. I would get around to doing it...
(Title: Working For The Weekend, Loverboy)

Love The One You're With

Back at my institution I had friends. One of my best friends hadn't graduated yet. Another best friend had recently moved back for a job. I had my pub buddies. And my really good friends in the Boston area were only 2 - 2.5 hours away. I lived alone in my one bedroom apartment, but I was never really alone.

We I got to Ithaca, I had no one. I shared an office with my ex, and everybody loved and was friends with my ex. So it was a little awkward. I was working like crazy and not really trying hard enough, I guess. When I first got there a female grad student asked me how things were doing. I responded with, "Well, I haven't done much, but my apartment is really nice." Apparently when she asked me again, I had the same answer. She looked at my with disdain and said, "That's what you said before." I was hurt. As time went on, I had not gotten a key to the building. Other students would ask me, "Do you have a key, yet?" When I responded, "No", they just laughed. At the time I thought it was rude. Maybe they were, but I was doing a very god job myself. I should have asked people to lunch. I should have asked them to come with me to get the key. I should have invited them to my huge apartment. But I didn't. They gave up on me, and I gave up on them. What is this? Nail number 3?
(Title: Love The One You're With, Stephen Stills)

He's A Rebel

Shortly after I arrived at my experiment, we had a big meeting. The version of the experiment that I was working on was just starting. Hence the new code. Anything was up for grabs when it came to developing software, etc. My advisor (Jerry) and the other guy I worked with (Dan) had a problem with a particular feature in a piece of software. They felt strongly about it. I agreed with them, but I had just started to be in my experiment. A guy gave a talk about that software. In his last slide he listed the people who are against them, and there it is. Listed on the slide is Dan, Jerry, and Marissa. Talk about winning friends and influencing people. Nail number two in my coffin.
(Title: He's A Rebel, The Crystals)

Any Way You Want It

When I got to my experiment, I was asked to have some plots done by Friday for a meeting. Monday was my first day. I had to use beta software and fake data. When I used the fake data the webpage said, "This is a test and is not intended for people to use for analysis." So, what did I do? I used it because we didn't have real data and I needed to get things done. I also had to use beta code that was under development. This was my introduction. Needless to say I had a hard time, which in turn annoyed the people developing the code. Understandably so. Here is some newbie annoying you about how to use things when you are wicked busy. I think maybe my frustration made me less nice than I could have been. Nail number one in my coffin.
(Title: Any Way You Want It, Journey)

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

About a week after I got back from grandpa's funeral, they finally had the qualifier results ready. I passed! I was so happy I could have fallen out of my freakin' chair. One of the professors said, "Look at how happy she is." Happy doesn't begin to describe it. This was it. Everything from here on out would be OK. If I could pass the qualifier, I could make it. I was someone worthwhile. I was going to Ithaca! I went and bought a bottle of champagne. Moet and Chandon White Star. I drank almost all of it myself while waiting for Mike to make it up from Poughkeepsie.

Then the fun part came. Get out! Get a place in Ithaca. It was in the middle of February in a college town. I ended up finding an awesome place. Mike helped me move. It was freezing cold. While we drove to Ithaca snow was blowing off the fields. It was like driving through that Windows screen saver with the stars. But we survived, got a bunch of junk food and relaxed and had a good night of sleep. All well deserved.
Things were falling into place.
(Title: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper)

May Angels Lead You In

About a week after I took part 2 of the qualifier, I got the call that my grandfather had passed away. He and I had always been buddies. He was the last of my mother's parents to go. The two people who were my best family. I made a quick flight. I avoided the 5 am flight and took one a little later. When we got to the nursing home the staff had just discovered he was dead. I walked into the room. He was laying on the bed stuck in a position that looked as if he had been shocked. His beautiful blue eyes were now black. I tried to say goodbye, but all I could do was cry. The funeral was a disaster. My mom and her older brother had a horrible fight. He looked like he was going to hit her and then threatened to call a lawyer. I can't remember why.

I had only made plans to stay home a week. My advisor was being nice letting me go that long. Not only did I have to find out about the qualifier, but they had signed me for a conference on research that I hadn't even started. Mom wanted me to stay and go to Seaside. That would have been nice, but I had to go back. Failing out wouldn't bring grandpa back. I still cry when I tell the story of how I found him. I will always miss him. But he would have been more proud of me for staying in school than entertaining my mother. R.I.P. Grandma and Grandpa
(Title: Hear You Me, Jimmy Eat World)